Wasn't my name Joey?
In the beginning...
There was a sweet little baby boy!
Full of joy, and knowing the secret language of God.
This was my 1st life within this life
The smell of air
The smell of flowers
The smell of baby powder
All i needed was someplace warm
All i needed was my mommy
All i needed was some milk
I remember it, but not consciously
I just "know" it, and have the occasional glimpse
I remember my crib and my mobile
I remember my room, and my dads guitar case
Staring out from the closet with it's glowing brass eyes
I was scared, but i wasn't too worried about it
My memory of the house is strange, as i have other
Memories of it, but familiar, and this time is unfamiliar
As if it was all new
As if it faced a different direction
All was good
All was sweet
All was quiet
Enter consciousness...my 2nd life with this life
Which i put down to about 3 or 4 years old
Things are good, or at least i try to remember it that way
In retrospect, things were quite bleak
But i'm trying to remember it as it was
I had older half-brothers who I loved
I had older half-sisters who i loved
In retrospect, the brothers were dicks
And the sisters were indifferent
Except for Becky, who always felt a duty to take care of me
I remember that
I remember venturing out into the desert with my dad
As he dug up older bottles and coins and other shit
That he would later discard
I mean, what a bunch of shit baggage to lug around, right?
These times seemed to be good
Though i'm told that we were dirt poor
I remember my recurring dreams from this time...
one, was me as Peter Pan on the pirate ship and everything
but, it wasn't the Disney version, it was quite surreal and frightening
the other, was in black and white, and i was a fighter pilot in either WWI or WWII.
My 3rd life begins, with a new step-dad, and a new name
As i was entering Kindergarten, my mother asked, "what would you like to be called?"
I had no idea what she meant, wasn't my name Joey?
She proceeded to teach me that i had more than one name, and i could pick
Well, i just got a lightning bolt shirt from Zody's, so how about "Lightning"?
That wasn't an option, so i decided on "Tony"
You know what?
30 years later, i still don't feel like a "Tony"
But, that's were he began.
We had a house, and a pool, in suburbia
I had lots of friends, and a bike, and a dog
Things were good again, and i felt comfortable
I was good at school
I was good at baseball
I was good at meeting people
I was normal
I wanted to be either a Doctor, or a Pro Baseball Player
Enter divorce and Jim and life #4
Well, nothing lasts forever, right?
My mom and step-dad couldn't make it
These things happen
But my world was rocked, though i didn't know it at the time
Things get quite complicated here
And my grades start to fall
I start to swing and miss in baseball, and music begins to become very important
First, rather than stay with my mom or go to live with my real dad
I'm sent to live with strangers!
These strangers were friends of my mom's, but still...
There were 2 older boys, 1 of which was a total fucking prick
And he terrorized me no end,
until one day I threw a bowl of Cheerios at his fucking useless head!
Well, guess what? I wasn't going to live there anymore.
So, rather than living with my mom or real dad
I live with my step-dad, who is dated another woman!
Fucking strange, right?
But i felt comfortable in my own room, so...
Meanwhile, my mom is dating "Jim"
Yet another prick in my life
Eventually, he and my mom move back into the old house
And my step-dad moves out
I stay put, for now...
Jim is abusive
He likes to hit women
He likes to push little boys against walls
He likes to call them "pussy" afterwards
He likes to pretend that he's not the devil
This goes on for years and years
I'm even kicked out of my own home at the age of 13!
Jim went crazy, and destroyed my whole room!
Records, posters, trophies, toys, everything destroyed!
I go to live with my dad, which is an even crazier scene
It's like living in a fucking frat house, or whore-house, or halfway-house
So, i eat shit, apologize to Jim for playing my music too loud
And he lets me come home to live with my mommy
A coupla years go by, and we basically ignore each other's existence
I really love music now
School is unimportant
Baseball is unimportant
Music is everything
Music is an escape
Music is a plan
Music is my future
Now i'm 16, and oops, my music's a bit loud
Jim and i yell, then we get into a wrestling match.
He tries to destroy my room again, which i'm not having
So he kicks me out again...
I'm now living at my friend Shane's house, but
I'm not letting this happen again, so i go home
I'm hoping that we can just ignore each other, but
He wants to fight. I mean, really fight! Not argue.
His mistake now however, is that i'm 16, and an angry motherfucker!
We go outside, and i proceed to beat the living shit out of his evil ass!
He leaves, finally...
So begins, life #5!
I'm now a man, though only physically
See, inside, i'm a damaged little boy still
Emotionally fucked up
Untrusting
Unruly
Unmanageable
But my heart is still good, and i want to be normal again.
I begin to pull my grades up, though only just
I have friends that are good for me
I have a girlfriend
I have a job
I have a band
I have a new step-dad
He's the man, and he's totally awesome
I even have a new baby-brother, who is and always will be
My whole-brother!
I am not a prick to him, i love him and he loves me!
This lifestyle continues well into my 20's
Until, things begin to go south...
My fam' situation is good, and still is to this day
But, i hate my job
I've lost my band
I've lost my girl
I've lost my nerve
I've lost the will to stay where i am, so
I move away
Remember, i am a damaged fucker still, and always will be in some way...
Enter life, Part 6
I'm alone in a new city
I've no friends
I've no job
I've no reason to be here
But i stay...
Those things all come eventually, and
I even find religion!
I even find a new girlfriend!
Both of those things eventually pass, but
I'm starting a brand new life, and a brand new me.
I begin to experiment with drugs, with music, with relationships
The drugs left me cold, though sometimes it was fantastic, literally...
The music has been both great and terrible
The relationships have been happy, sad, great, pathetic, etc.
But, i feel like i'm a good person again
And, i am now a man, for real, an actual man :O)
However, something is missing, so i decide it's time to move on again
But first, i must go back to school and get some tools i can use
Part 7, the culmination of everything
I go to Art School, and get a degree
I meet "the" one, and marry her
I join a band, make an album and tour!
I have lots of fun, with lots of people
This life is short, but fulfilling
Part 8
I am now a Daddy
I am now a husband
I am now a 9-5'er
Life should be good, and it actually is...
But...i must say that i'm bored
I'm stuck in the glue that i've laid down
I long for change
Not with the people in my life
As i love my girl
As i love my little boy
Just in the situation, you know?
I drive the same roads everyday
I wake at the same time everyday, even the weekends!
I have a mortgage to worry about
so i cannot switch careers
I have a son to worry about
so I cannot switch careers
I have a family to worry about
so I cannot switch careers
so I cannot switch cities
so I cannot switch paths
so I cannot play in bands
so I cannot go out at night
so I cannot spend money freely
so I cannot go on vacation
You get the idea, right?
I should be totally happy,
but remember, I'm a damaged fucker
However, i'm on my 8th life, and
I'm not ready to move to the 9th (last life?)
Besides, that one's already planned out
And i'm not there yet
I've still got to buy a trailer
Then figure out how to haul it to
the middle of the desert
How will i get my water?
How will i get my food?
How will i get wireless internet out there?
How will i get High-Def TV?
How will i get my meds?
I'd better stay put and figure this all out...
posted by Tz @ 10:58 AM
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