Villiers Terrace (Nameless #2)

I once knew a man
A man called "S"
He was a poet
A suburban bohemian
He's a different man now...

We were 18 maybe 19
Fresh outta school
Freshman in University
Young, naive, impressionable
Open to open doors

I remember 'Villiers Terrace'
It's just an apartment now
Probably a slum
Probably the same tenants
But at the time, it was magical

We'd go there to see what was happenin'
People were rolling around on the carpets
Mixing up the medicines
I'd just go to watch
I wasn't that curious, yet...

The music was LOUD and RETRO
It was one big room
With a Stones poster on the wall
And a beer bong in the kitchen/bathroom
There were lots of sad people there

But i was intrigued
I'd never seen such behavior
Not from other kids anyway
I sat there like i belonged
But i knew i didn't
i knew i didn't

I remember 2 girls
Both Beautiful
Both Sad
Both making lasting impressions
On my psyche

The first remains nameless
But only for lack of information
She'd sit and my feet
And try to talk to me
But i was aloof

She murmered something
And i said, "Well, yeah i guess"
The music was oh so loud
She withered and retreated
At my answer...

I said, "Wait, what did you say?"
She said, "I asked if i repulsed you"
I said, "My God, no! I thought you asked if i was attracted to you!"
I wasn't, but i didn't want to hurt her feelings
But it is what i thought she'd said...
She stopped sitting at my feet

The other remains nameless
Though i'll never forget her name
She was beautiful, and sad
That is my aesthetic kryptonite
I could not resist

She was eager to please
And i'd see her frequently
But i'd only let her go so far
I cared, and it's not my style
To cut down beautiful things

Ultimately, however hard i tried
I could not help but do it
She was so beautiful
She was so sad
I thought that i brought her joy
But i only brought her more sadness...

See, i just couldn't hang on
To a girl who would injest anything
It frightened me so
It was i who retreated
I still think about her often

She was a mommy soon after
That gave me a start, but
It needn't
It wasn't
It isn't

I would love to see her happy
I would love to see her complete
She was so beautiful
She was so sad
She is always with me...

I never went back to Villiers Terrace
"S" did, but
It was just too sad
It was just too ugly
It was just a bit pathetic

The Thief

There's an episode from my past
That still haunts me every now and then
So, just in case any of my family
Dare to read this blog
I'm going to set the record straight...

Many many years ago
When i was probably no older than 9 or 10
There was an incident involving
My older sister's purse

We were at my father's house
I don't remember everyone that was there
But, definately me, my dad, my sister Becky, and my Uncle Ricky
What you need to know, is that
My Uncle Ricky is/was/and always has been a fuck-up
He's a sweet guy, with a good heart, but he's a fuck-up

So...
I'm 10ish, which makes my sister 18ish
Which makes my Uncle around 22 years old
He likes the booze
He likes the drugs
He likes the parties
He likes the rock n'roll
He thinks he is rock n'roll
And he probably was...

Anyway, my Uncle splits
A little while later, my sister cannot find her purse
We're looking everywhere for it
All over the house
Inside and Out
But to no avail...

I make my way to the kitchen
To sit down, and have a drink of milk or something
I'm sitting there as someone
I don't remember who exactly but
Someone opens the cabinets
Beneath the sink
Has a quick look, and shuts them again...
I'm thinking to myself,
"how could they have seen anything is so short a time?"
So, trying to be helpful
I immediately double-check under the sink
Well, guess what?
There's the purse!
I say, "here it is!"

Now, instead of being the hero
I am now the prime suspect
And the lead interrogator
Is none other, than my very own dad
It doesn't help matters that
Whatever money my sister had
Is now nowhere to be found
However, I feel that that helps my case
I mean, i've not gone anywhere and
I've not got any money, so
It couldn't have been me, right?

Well, my dad doesn't believe me
As if he'd rather believe his 10 year old son would steal from his own sister
Rather, than believe that his 22 year old fuck-up brother would
I'm bawling, pleading my case, but he just won't believe me
I look and my sister and beg her to believe me
And i think maybe she does
But suspicion is in the air
And i'm exausted and defeated

Finally, i tell them all to go fuck themselves
I tell my dad that i'm never coming back
And i call my mom to come get me right now!
I wait outside for her, and i don't speak to anyone in the house

Days go by
Weeks go by
My dad has been calling and calling
And i'm refusing to talk to him
And I'm refusing to go and visit
He's very apologetic
Eventually, i give in
I miss my dad
And i go back
And none of it is ever mentioned again

Well, that was all very long ago indeed
However, i'm still haunted by the fact
That nobody seemed to believe in my innocence
So this goes out to all the parties involved

Dear fuckers...
My name is Tony Zuniga
I am your brother
I am your son
I am also a husband
I am also a father
I am now 35 years old
I've no reason to lie
I've nothing to hide
Then or now
I DID NOT TAKE THAT MONEY!
I DID NOT TAKE YOUR PURSE!
HOW DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS PUT A 10 YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY THROUGH THAT SHIT!
HOPEFULLY, IT'S CLEAR TO YOU NOW WHO DID IT!
YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!
I HOPE THIS BLOG MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT!

And don't forget...
I love you :O)

Wasn't my name Joey?

In the beginning...
There was a sweet little baby boy!
Full of joy, and knowing the secret language of God.
This was my 1st life within this life
The smell of air
The smell of flowers
The smell of baby powder
All i needed was someplace warm
All i needed was my mommy
All i needed was some milk
I remember it, but not consciously
I just "know" it, and have the occasional glimpse
I remember my crib and my mobile
I remember my room, and my dads guitar case
Staring out from the closet with it's glowing brass eyes
I was scared, but i wasn't too worried about it
My memory of the house is strange, as i have other
Memories of it, but familiar, and this time is unfamiliar
As if it was all new
As if it faced a different direction
All was good
All was sweet
All was quiet

Enter consciousness...my 2nd life with this life
Which i put down to about 3 or 4 years old
Things are good, or at least i try to remember it that way
In retrospect, things were quite bleak
But i'm trying to remember it as it was
I had older half-brothers who I loved
I had older half-sisters who i loved
In retrospect, the brothers were dicks
And the sisters were indifferent
Except for Becky, who always felt a duty to take care of me
I remember that
I remember venturing out into the desert with my dad
As he dug up older bottles and coins and other shit
That he would later discard
I mean, what a bunch of shit baggage to lug around, right?
These times seemed to be good
Though i'm told that we were dirt poor
I remember my recurring dreams from this time...
one, was me as Peter Pan on the pirate ship and everything
but, it wasn't the Disney version, it was quite surreal and frightening
the other, was in black and white, and i was a fighter pilot in either WWI or WWII.

My 3rd life begins, with a new step-dad, and a new name
As i was entering Kindergarten, my mother asked, "what would you like to be called?"
I had no idea what she meant, wasn't my name Joey?
She proceeded to teach me that i had more than one name, and i could pick
Well, i just got a lightning bolt shirt from Zody's, so how about "Lightning"?
That wasn't an option, so i decided on "Tony"
You know what?
30 years later, i still don't feel like a "Tony"
But, that's were he began.
We had a house, and a pool, in suburbia
I had lots of friends, and a bike, and a dog
Things were good again, and i felt comfortable
I was good at school
I was good at baseball
I was good at meeting people
I was normal
I wanted to be either a Doctor, or a Pro Baseball Player

Enter divorce and Jim and life #4
Well, nothing lasts forever, right?
My mom and step-dad couldn't make it
These things happen
But my world was rocked, though i didn't know it at the time
Things get quite complicated here
And my grades start to fall
I start to swing and miss in baseball, and music begins to become very important
First, rather than stay with my mom or go to live with my real dad
I'm sent to live with strangers!
These strangers were friends of my mom's, but still...
There were 2 older boys, 1 of which was a total fucking prick
And he terrorized me no end,
until one day I threw a bowl of Cheerios at his fucking useless head!
Well, guess what? I wasn't going to live there anymore.
So, rather than living with my mom or real dad
I live with my step-dad, who is dated another woman!
Fucking strange, right?
But i felt comfortable in my own room, so...
Meanwhile, my mom is dating "Jim"
Yet another prick in my life
Eventually, he and my mom move back into the old house
And my step-dad moves out
I stay put, for now...
Jim is abusive
He likes to hit women
He likes to push little boys against walls
He likes to call them "pussy" afterwards
He likes to pretend that he's not the devil
This goes on for years and years
I'm even kicked out of my own home at the age of 13!
Jim went crazy, and destroyed my whole room!
Records, posters, trophies, toys, everything destroyed!
I go to live with my dad, which is an even crazier scene
It's like living in a fucking frat house, or whore-house, or halfway-house
So, i eat shit, apologize to Jim for playing my music too loud
And he lets me come home to live with my mommy
A coupla years go by, and we basically ignore each other's existence
I really love music now
School is unimportant
Baseball is unimportant
Music is everything
Music is an escape
Music is a plan
Music is my future
Now i'm 16, and oops, my music's a bit loud
Jim and i yell, then we get into a wrestling match.
He tries to destroy my room again, which i'm not having
So he kicks me out again...
I'm now living at my friend Shane's house, but
I'm not letting this happen again, so i go home
I'm hoping that we can just ignore each other, but
He wants to fight. I mean, really fight! Not argue.
His mistake now however, is that i'm 16, and an angry motherfucker!
We go outside, and i proceed to beat the living shit out of his evil ass!
He leaves, finally...

So begins, life #5!
I'm now a man, though only physically
See, inside, i'm a damaged little boy still
Emotionally fucked up
Untrusting
Unruly
Unmanageable
But my heart is still good, and i want to be normal again.
I begin to pull my grades up, though only just
I have friends that are good for me
I have a girlfriend
I have a job
I have a band
I have a new step-dad
He's the man, and he's totally awesome
I even have a new baby-brother, who is and always will be
My whole-brother!
I am not a prick to him, i love him and he loves me!
This lifestyle continues well into my 20's
Until, things begin to go south...
My fam' situation is good, and still is to this day
But, i hate my job
I've lost my band
I've lost my girl
I've lost my nerve
I've lost the will to stay where i am, so
I move away
Remember, i am a damaged fucker still, and always will be in some way...

Enter life, Part 6
I'm alone in a new city
I've no friends
I've no job
I've no reason to be here
But i stay...
Those things all come eventually, and
I even find religion!
I even find a new girlfriend!
Both of those things eventually pass, but
I'm starting a brand new life, and a brand new me.
I begin to experiment with drugs, with music, with relationships
The drugs left me cold, though sometimes it was fantastic, literally...
The music has been both great and terrible
The relationships have been happy, sad, great, pathetic, etc.
But, i feel like i'm a good person again
And, i am now a man, for real, an actual man :O)
However, something is missing, so i decide it's time to move on again
But first, i must go back to school and get some tools i can use

Part 7, the culmination of everything
I go to Art School, and get a degree
I meet "the" one, and marry her
I join a band, make an album and tour!
I have lots of fun, with lots of people
This life is short, but fulfilling

Part 8
I am now a Daddy
I am now a husband
I am now a 9-5'er
Life should be good, and it actually is...
But...i must say that i'm bored
I'm stuck in the glue that i've laid down
I long for change
Not with the people in my life
As i love my girl
As i love my little boy
Just in the situation, you know?
I drive the same roads everyday
I wake at the same time everyday, even the weekends!
I have a mortgage to worry about
so i cannot switch careers
I have a son to worry about
so I cannot switch careers
I have a family to worry about
so I cannot switch careers
so I cannot switch cities
so I cannot switch paths
so I cannot play in bands
so I cannot go out at night
so I cannot spend money freely
so I cannot go on vacation
You get the idea, right?
I should be totally happy,
but remember, I'm a damaged fucker
However, i'm on my 8th life, and
I'm not ready to move to the 9th (last life?)
Besides, that one's already planned out
And i'm not there yet
I've still got to buy a trailer
Then figure out how to haul it to
the middle of the desert
How will i get my water?
How will i get my food?
How will i get wireless internet out there?
How will i get High-Def TV?
How will i get my meds?

I'd better stay put and figure this all out...

"I'm hanging on..."

Oh my fiends
i've a heavy weight upon my spirit
Longing for something, though
I'm not sure what that is

The past?
The desert?
The stillness of time?
The beginning all over again?

My soul is sluggish
Mired in syrup and alcohol
I'm just so tired, and
My mind stays awake

I have been sleeping
Through the night again
That's a luxury that we
Take for granted, lemme tell ya

It's just that i've got this insatiable
Desire for otherness
For the beautiful
For the strange
For the beautiful & strange!

I breathe fire
My eyes are alight
The balls of my feet ache
My lungs gasp

My apologies for the truncated post
No drug fueled musings
No fiery declarations
No lonely blogging
Just a worn out sucker...

Just Here This, And Then I'll Go...

Another sleepless night
Longing for things invisible
Things that are no longer there
I listen to Last Goodbye
And remember...remember...remember...

I saw an old film tonight
It took me way back
To my youth?
To a better time?
To both? To neither?

I can feel it still
but only for a minute
What the fuck is happening?
Why is it like this?
I'm supposed to be happy
I am happy
But i'm bored outta my fuckin' mind!

My wife is asleep
Has been since 9
It's like that every night
Every night the same thing
Every night the same thing
Every night the same thing
Every night the same thing
Every night the same thing

Am i being clear enough?
Am i sending to right signals?
To whom? To myself?
Most likely...

What happened to the magic?
I used to feel so alone
used up
useless
damaged goods
directionless
melancholiholic
but i felt sooooo alive
even if i was indiferent to life

Now i'm a paranoid old fucker
Worried about dying and leaving
My beautiful boy without a father
Worried about the baddies lurking in the night
Worried about the creeps
Worried about the shadows
Worried about the voices whispering
Worried about not being responsible
in charge
steadfast
there
here

But, i'm dying inside
Is this how it's supposed to be?
Am i just being moody?
Everyday the same thing
Everyday the same thing
Everyday the same thing
Everyday the same thing
Everyday the same thing

Do you believe in reincarnation?
I never wanted to believe in that before
I wanted there to be an end to it all
some great reward at the end of the day

Now, i want a recount
Now, i want another shot
I coulda been a contenda

I think in my next life
I'd like to be a carny
I'd like to live on the darker side of the moon
I'm consumed by this life
It's directing me, not vice-versa
I would jump at the chance
To just be me for a weekend...again again again...

She's Sweet, She Gets Us Home Safe

Oh my brethren
What a tangled web is
Woven in the mind of
Yer Humble Narrator

Funny thing about this blog
it's not quite a diary is it?
I mean, it's meant to be read
And surely not everything is one's head
Should be read or written down

I find myself intensely confused
This evening/morning
Can't sleep
Not a wink
Not a dose
Not a lick

Caught between the old and new worlds
Things left behind resurface
Feelings forgotten reignited
Merrily, life is but a dream...

See my brothers and sisters
I'm stuck
Molasses
It's delicious, don't get me wrong
But fuck! I need something more...

Must clear out some space in my head
So here's a little ditty from a few years back...

Sunny L.A.
No idea what day it is
Doesn't matter
Video shoot today
On the low-budge of course
Set up shop in some theater
Somewhere off of Sunset
Near a Shakey's Pizza...
Kirkles' favorite, no less
Play song over and over and over and over...
Try to look effortlessly cool...fail
Try to look like i don't care...succeed
Hours go by, then someone says,
"You should plug in and do a mini-show"
Ok, whatever
We do it, and no one gives a damn...i knew it

Next stop...
Some hip bar with some models
Yes, i kid you not, we went out with models
However, guess what?
They don't give a shit, and neither do i
A few years earlier, and it woulda been on
But these days, i'm past all that nonsense
Also, an old acquainance tags along
With an old good friend...
Jack and Coke please...
The acquaintance was always nice to me
But now, boy was she being nice...
Trouble, i say to myself, but i play along
No harm, i'm spending the night alone fo' sho'
Jack and Coke please...
We hang out
Listen to music
Talk
Jack and Coke please...
Boy, she's a little extra friendly tonight
I don't suppose it's because i'm in a band
Shooting videos and playing the Viper Room, right?
Jack and Coke please...
Anyway, we all have a bit of fun
And start thinking about our next move
Jack and Coke please...
The bar starts closing down
And the peeps are straggling out
Jack and Coke please...
Time to move on

We end up at some trendy
Hollywood eatery on Sunset
The whole crew has been split
But we find everyone eventually
Next stop, our publicists house

I sit there feeling stupid as
Others are trying to hook up
Bong Hit, Jagermeister, Bong Hit
I'm cool, i've nothing else to do
So i'm fine just hanging around on someone's couch
Bong Hit, Jagermeister, Bong Hit, Jagermeister
People are not hooking up
So people are bailing
Bong Hit, Jagermeister, whoooaaaa
Ok, time to go back to wherever it is we're staying
I hope someone knows, cuz i don't remember anything

Walk out towards the car...
Oh Shit! A slide!
My stupid drunk ass climbs the slippery ladder
At some god-awful time of the night/morning
Slide on down, like an idiot schoolboy
Oops! the slide's all fucking muddy
Too drunk to give a shit, i'm afraid

Stumble into this poor girls car
Getting mud and drunk guy all over it
She's sweet, she gets us home safe
Stumble into the spinning top apartment
Would everyone just sit still please?
Oops, we've lost the keys to our van.
No clean, dry clothes...
No sleeping bag...
No nothing...
Room continues to spin
It's very very dark now
And everyone is quiet and out
Cept me of course, much like tonight
I find comfort in the computer
Till i cannot keep my eyes open anymore
But wait, i'm still soaking wet and cold
Take a quick shower
Wrap a towel around my drunken naked body
Lay down on the hardwood floor
And i'm out...

The poor bastards
They had to wake up staring at
Their naked drummer sprawled across the floor
I slept good though, and woke up feeling great!

What's the point you ask?
The moral?
Oh my brothers, it's clear as a golden dawn
Shining off of a drunken drummers shiny hairless bottom
Join a band!!!!!!!!

35 Stone

My friend Vince's wife
asked me to write something
for his 35th birthday
So i will share some memories here

Let's start with this one
I remember going to his house in high school
I'd come over with some mutual friends or friend
Probably Justin Smith
Anyway, his room was very tidy
I remember that
There was a drafting table
A guitar
And lots of books
Not unlike most other rooms
though there was one significant difference
No bed!!!!!
I was like, "what the heck? where do you sleep?"
On the floor was his answer
I guess he was already planning for his future
As a suburban gypsy, a couch-surfing poet.

One of my fondest memories is of
The day we became friends as opposed to aquaintances
See, the distinction is when you can hang with each other
Without all of the friendly satellites
We were about 19, and i had to do a report on the Hoover Dam
I decided my time would be better spent skipping class
And taking a little field trip
I stopped by Tom A's home,
Where Vince could currently be found that week
And said, "Hey, you wanna do the dam with me?"
He said, "Yeah, sure" and a friendship was born.

Another time, another place
All of us friends used to love hiking
Or rather, wandering aimlessly around the desert
Vince and I drove out W. Charleston towards Red Rock Canyon
We used to hike Red Rock alot, so
Today we decided to just pick some "virgin" territory
We found some sort of turn-off
Drove a bit down a dirt-road and parked.
We climbed through some hap-hazard barbed-wire
And headed out into the desert armed with a gallon of water
After getting out of site of the car
We noticed something shining or flashing in the distance
Some sort of glittering prize we thought
And off we went
After god-knows how long
We arrived at our distination and
Do you know what that sign said????
"Danger! Hazardous Materials Site" that's what!

Later, Vince and I worked together
At a Gaming Warehouse
I cannot recall the name anymore
But it was our job to handle, count and sort
All of the money they came and went
And we're talking alot of money here
About a million in coin and bills (mostly coin!)
Come to think of it, that's not very much anymore
But it was more than we'd ever seen
I'm sure of that and it was heavy too
Anyway, it was our job to get the "collectors"
Ready every morning
And then count it every evening
Our strategy was to bust our butts
As soon as we got in
Lugging $500 bags of quarters
All over the warehouse
Get everyone counted and loaded
Take inventory and accounting
Make sure the balance was what it should be
Then just hang out
We'd spend the first 5 hours
Just working away, with music blarring
Then the last 3 we'd sit around and read
Or listen to music
Or just talk
This was right about when Vince was converting
So he was reading scriptures tirelessly
And we'd talk about them
Then we'd talk about dumb guy stuff
Or rag on about our friends
These were really good times for me
And i know that Vince and I
Were able to learn alot about each other during this time.

Anyway, I could go on and on
But i should save some for his 50th!
I hope I can remember it all then.
Happy Birthday Stone!